Monday, September 24, 2007

Living with the dead

Today is an empty day for me. Mentally, and emotionally I feel barren. I am into my fifth week of school and I still haven't had a surge of energy to send me sailing for a while. This semester is dull and lifeless for me.

Fall is ironically my favorite and worse season. I love the temperatures, the change of color, the smell (of course). However, along with all of that, I have to face the death anniversaries of my loved ones. The biggest and toughest is that of my mother, which is Oct. 11. This year marks the 17th year. Seventeen years. How is that possible? Another 7 years and my mother will have been dead half my life. And I am only 41, 48 then.

As September closes, and October opens I start to feel the approach of the 11th. It comes on me subtly at times. Some years, like this one, it seems to be approaching me like a roaring lion. I miss my mom. It's a shame that I missed her when she was living too.

I never really knew her, she was always outside of my grasp. We lived together, seperately. It's the way it was, a house full of people, yet none of us were ever in tune with any of the others. I was too young and ignorant of life and its ways, to have done much to change it, but I still participated in it. Therefore, I feel an indebtedness to my other family members. Even so, I still am void of feelings that should have come more natural it seems. Our brokenness is still displayed.

My grandmother is another loved one whose death anniversary occurs in the Fall. Her's is November 1st, it falls on my brother Ron's birthday. She died two years after my mom. She was the last of my grandparents.Well, according to my knowledge. My father ran off when I was a baby. Perhaps, there are still biological members living. I never knew them, and they probably didn't know me, since, their son was married to another woman at the time he and my mother were together. Yeah, I am an illegitimate child, but, who isn't these days?

I had always carried a feeling of being orphaned, so when I found out about my real father, it wasn't too shocking. Actually, it was merely a confirmation.

This life has never really offered me a home, I am thankful to God for taking me in under his armpit. With the hope he has given me, I look forward to rest when I get to heaven.

If I didn't have the assurance of peace beyond this world, I think I would have a hard time getting up in the mornings, harder than I have it on some mornings already.

Jesus, the name above all names, and my "blessed assurance" leads me and comforts me. He is my rock and my refuge.

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

New Car update

Well, one week ago today we bought a brand new car. Yes, a brand new one. Don't ask me how it all happened, I am not sure. I do know that we were discouraged by the miles and costs of used cars with no warranty. The warranty turned out to be the most important issue to us. Now we own a car with a lifetime warranty on the powertrain. We are happy. Of course, the deals on the cars are only increasingly getting better. Doesn't that figure. It's okay with me though because I was getting burned out looking and driving them. It got to the point where I just wanted it all to end. In order to stay in our price range we move our sights from a SUV or Crossover to a regular car, and then eliminated by the price. Contentment was once again found and we drove away pleased with our purchase.

There is always something better out there, but decisions have to be made and committments made. I have stopped looking at all the vehicles out there and turned my eyes to the sky. I am content, I am going to stay content. I am grateful to even have an opportunity to enjoy the ability of owning a new car. That in itself is rewarding.

Monday, September 10, 2007

The Daredevil finds God

Yesterday, I showed a DVD to my teen Sunday School class on the testimony of Robert Evel Knievel. Mr. Knievel was on the Robert Schuller broadcast on April 22, 2007. (I believe this date is accurate, I am relying on the date recorded on the DVD.) Mr. Knievel shared his story on his new found faith in Christ, and in his testimony he spoke of a joy that has overwhelmingly filled him. His countenence was glowing and beautiful. I was excited to see a man of his experience and age shine over the discovery of the grace and love of Christ. I too, have experienced this tremendous gift of uncomprehensible joy and peace.

Mr. Knievel, known for his intrepid spirit, has begun a journey that will hold for him many trials and testings that will require the use of his fearless nature. I have been walking along side of Christ for several years, although rewarding and fulfilling, it is without question the most challenging endeavor I have set my will to. It is right up there with marriage. Both of these committments can not be fully enjoyed or known until they have been endured over a substantial period of time. It is only after many years of working out salvation with fear and trembling,that one can begin to understand God's demands on their lives.

In philosophy, ethics are addressed in order to find the best way of living. Many sides are examined and conclusions are made with great thought and decisiveness. God is brought into the evaluation as a possible authority on morals. Along with God's benevolent personality, his wrath comes into question. Ultimately, his ominipotence is either embraced or shunned. This is because of his decisions and commands to wipe out entire populations including innocent children. This decision of his, eliminates him as being altruistic, loving, and trustworthy in the eyes of the many philosophers.

However, in my mind as I try to process his ominpotence, omnipresence, ominiscience, I am brought to a confidence. If God is God, as he says he is, and he possesses the ability to be everywhere all the time simultaneuously, seeing all, knowing all, judging all right through their most inner thoughts, from eternity to eternity, he is someone I want as a mentor. I want the best teacher I can possibly have when it comes to living and dying. I want to have his insight on my brief existence of 80-100 years. Obviously, he has "learned" a tremendous amount regarding humans. He is the Master philosopher. He, in his position of greatness allows us to sit and reason with him. This can be found over and over in the Biblical writings, and he even allows us to test his promises to see if he is trustworthy.

However knowledgable we are on any one topic, we must remember that when we do approach him with our wisdom, we should remember our place. We are as children in the presence of a parent; a perfect parent. Because He is The Master of all things, we should be humbled and teachable; remembering that the instructor is more qualified than the student. If we open our mouths to fast our foolishness with be displayed, and our cockiness/ arrogance is made plain before all.

Today and in the afterlife, I will stand in humility to hear what he has to say, lest I should miss a crucial lesson and be left out in the cold and open to severe consequences due to hubris. To be wise is to realize our limitations and ablities. Only when we are consciously aware of these inadequacies can we begin to learn a truth that is beyond ourselves.

I commend Mr. Knievel for his adventurous willingness to submit himself to a God who will require him to lay down his life in order to find it. May he fight the good fight and finish the race in a manner worthy of a soldier. God bless him.

What do you think of a God who has the unlimited ablities and foresight? If you were certain that He was all that he claims to be, would you be willing to hear him out for the plans he has for your life? Write me and let me hear your thoughts on these things.

Saturday, September 8, 2007

Blogging is new to me

The postings are out of order due to the fact that I was having problems with my original site and had to copy and paste my entries into this site. I ask for patience and grace. Thanks!
Welcome to my blog page. This a new adventure for me, so I am going to just dive in. Later on, I can make the adjustments I need to.

I have titled my blog 1WAYUP in order to arouse the attention of anyone who has found themselves in a position of questions that need answers. I will never claim to have all the solutions to everyones problems, but I have found some very helpful suggestions that have been able to guide me along this dark pathway in life. So, if you are interested in speaking philosophically or spiritually, writeon!

Posted by wrtrscrmp at 1:12:00 PM 0 comments
Labels: 2007, September 5
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Throughout my life I have experienced many changes, some voluntary and others involuntary. I have found that most of my growth has taken place in hardships. Especially, when I allowed God to direct me through his written word and his Holy Spirit. Reconstruction in any form has its trials, but the emotional reconstruction we can experience can be the killer or cure of who we are and are becoming. One of the most strenuous times for me was overcoming an accident involving my mother, baby, and me. I had just turned twenty-four years old, when I accidently killed my mother. If you want to read more about this See the post labeled Chronicles of an Evening describing this horrendous evening.

While recovering from this tragedy I thought I was going to lose my mind. As I progressed through the years, I transformed into a stronger and more sincere person. I matured tremendously, and found that Christ is a very firm foundation on which to build my life.

What experiences have you had, and how have they changed you?

Posted by wrtrscrmp at 4:34:00 PM 0 comments
Labels: Reconstruction

Chronicles of an Evening

Wednesday, September 5, 2007
Chronicles of an Evening
The Chronicles of an Evening

On October 11, 1990 I killed my mother. It was an accident, but its details run through my mind like a horrible dream that never ends. These are the true details of that night. Some of them my sound redundant but I have kept them in the story for the purpose of showing what it is to suffer from a trauma that puts one into a deep shock and the affects it has on the mind.
My husband wanted me to return home earlier that evening, but my mother had needed someone to help her transport a bed from my grandmother’s house. So, I stayed to help her. It took over an hour to do everything that needed to be done. The three of us, my mother, my son David, and I went to my grandmother’s house to get a bed that she had owned since before I was born. Her sister in law had been borrowing the bed for a number of years, but she died in September. Now my grandmother was giving it to my mother.
It must have been some where around eight o’clock when we finished unloading the bed. Previously my sister Jane had offered me a dresser that was being stored in my mother’s garage, so my mother and I took the time to load up the dresser into my car. We placed the dresser in the trunk and the drawers in the back seat. Then we fastened the trunk down with some rope and bungee cords.
Afterwards, the three of us went into her house to set up the bed. It was a full size bed; however, my mother only had twin sheets, so she covered it with a pretty bedspread. As she lay down on the bed a large smile appeared on her face. She was so happy to have this bed. I‘d never seen my mother so happy over any material possession. But this bed, made her swell up with joy. [At the time, I didn’t really appreciate what she was feeling. Since that night I have often wondered why we never really love and appreciate our parents the way we should until it’s too late].
We worked our way into the living room, where David became the center of our focus. There was a little toy bank filled with pennies, it was the shape of a Dachshund. The doggy bank was almost half the height of my son, and was pretty heavy. David was fascinated with it. He would carry it back and forth to the coffee table from the place where he found it. The amusing thing about it all was that as he carried it to the table he would make grunting noises, but on the way back he didn’t make a sound. He performed this act over and over again.
We sat watching him as he worked with the bank. It was a unique feeling to sit with my mother and admire my son. I lived four hours from her, so she had only seen him a few times. They were practically strangers. When we did visit there were usually a lot of people around, but that night it was just the three of us. It was going on nine o’clock when our evening came to a close. My mother had to get up early and I had to get on the road and head back to Central New York. I dreaded the long four hour trip that lay ahead.
We walked out to the driveway and fastened my son into his carseat which was positioned in the front passenger’s seat. Then we stood there talking for awhile. She spoke about getting her G.E.D.; and how she was concerned about passing the test. She went on to tell me how she wanted to travel around the states to speak to women about the things she had gone through in her life; she wanted to be an encouragement to them. I thought about what she was saying. My mother wants to be a lady evangelist? Wow! I’ve never seen this side of her. I never imagined her talking in front of a group. I’ve always thought of her as an introverted person. As she spoke, I began to see her in a different light. She wasn’t anything like the person I thought she was.
After we finished talking we hugged. It was a wonderful hug. For the first time in my life I believed my mother loved me. I felt that our past was behind us, and that we were starting fresh. When I got to the driver’s side, I realized I couldn’t get into my door because of the embankment. I had gotten out of the passenger’s door earlier in the evening. But now David’s car seat was there. [This is before babies weren’t allowed to sit in the front.]
We started to discuss how I could get into my car. I had backed up into the driveway earlier so we could load up a dresser. My mother suggested that I try to open my driver’s door enough to be able to slip my arm in and roll down the window. Then I would be able to reach through the window and put the car in neutral. The two of us would roll the car away from the embankment, and then I would put the car in park. She would stand in front of the car to hold it back, while I steered.
I did everything she suggested. But when I put the car in neutral, it didn’t move. My mother realized that the emergency brake was on. So, I reached down and pulled the lever. As soon as I did, the car jumped forward. Instantly, we both knew something was wrong. She started to walk away. The car automatically rolled into the grooves. For some reason she stopped and turned around to look at me. We had eye contact for awhile until she disappeared.
The dome light was on in the car, I could see my son. I stayed with the car for ninety feet shifting frantically to get it to stop. But it wouldn’t stop. It seemed to pick up more speed. I could hear someone screaming in the background. [That person turned out to be me]. As I ran along the side of the car I prayed. I prayed all the way down the driveway.
“God stop the car.”
We crossed over Bolivar drive and started down the neighbor’s driveway. Suddenly the car stopped. I asked myself, why did it stop? Then I heard an “uh!” The sound came from the rear of the car, I turned around. My mother’s body was under the car. Her body had lodged between the wheel and the frame of the car. I started screaming. I thought to myself, I have to get her out of there. How can I do this? Should I start the car? No, I don’t think I should do that. Perhaps if I put the car in drive, I can push it forward, and get her out of there. So, I put the car in drive, and I tried to push it forward, but it wouldn’t budge. I felt so helpless. I didn’t know what to do.
In the house that went with the driveway, I saw a silhouette of someone sitting in a chair, they were watching TV. I started to yell at the window.
“Help me! Help me! Please, won’t somebody help me?”
The figure didn’t move. No one came to help. It seemed like a long time before there was anyone else on the road. When a car finally did come, it stopped and sat there, with no sign of movement in it. I began to scream at it.
“Help me! Help me! Someone please help me!”
But it just sat there. I couldn’t see anyone. I continued to yell at it. Finally, two people got out of the car and started to walk toward me. The man walked over to check on my mother, and the woman came to my side and tried to calm me.
“Go over and get your baby,” she said.
Before I went, I looked at my mother and noticed that her shirt was pulled back and I could see her bra. I thought to myself as I walked over to the other side of the car to get David, My mother is going to be so upset that we can see her bra. When I got to my son, I found him terrified and crying uncontrollably.
I took him out of his seat and carried him back around to where the two people were standing. I began to crouch down to talk to my mother. As I drew near to her, I began to speak to her.
“Mommy, are you okay?”
I noticed that her face was pale and lifeless. I saw that she was bleeding from her forehead and her mouth, and her eyes were rolled back. I saw a puddle of blood in front of her chest; blood was spraying out of it. The realization that she was dead struck terror through my soul, I start to scream.
“Oh my God, she’s dead! My mommy is dead!”
As the woman walked me away from the car, she began to tell me that my mother was alive, because she thought she saw her talking. There were a number of people standing around us at this point. A few had joined her as she ushered me into the house I had screamed at earlier. I questioned them on whether it would be okay to go into the house. One of the men told me that it would be. They told me that I needed to take care of my baby.
In the house I tried to console him but he still cried hysterically. I tried to breast feed him, it didn’t work. He was too shook up to stop crying. I started praying. I couldn’t stop thinking about what the woman had said to me. My mother is still alive? She is going to live through this? Oh my God, please don’t let her live. She’ll be a vegetable for the rest of her life; she wouldn’t want to live that way. Oh God, help my mother. I don’t know how to pray for her. Is it wrong for me to pray like this?
My son began to calm down and eventually he stopped his crying. Some people came in and told me to contact a family member and to tell them where I was. I responded that I didn’t know who to call. I didn’t have anyone’s number on me. They asked me about my husband, and could I call him? I worried because it was long distance. I looked at the numbers on the phone and I told myself. Remember you’re in another area code; you have to dial your area code. I tried to dial the number but I couldn’t seem to dial the right one.
The kitchen filled up with police officers. As they started asking me questions the room began to turn black. I told someone to take my baby because I thought I was going to pass out. Someone reached out and took him. Everything turned black and I fell to my knees. I came to after I hit the floor. A moment later I stood back up and they continued to talk to me. But the room began to turn black again. This happened to me at least three times before they had me stay on the floor.
After the last collapse, I woke up to a nice policeman sitting next to me. My baby wasn’t with me any more, he was gone. I started to question the officer about my mommy.
I asked him, “My mommy is dead, isn’t she?” As I caressed his face
he shook his head yes. We sat there for a while. This man was so friendly to me, but at some point he left me. I don’t know when.
Eventually, I had my baby back in my arms. I began to pace the room. I went out onto the porch several times. However, I thought they didn’t want me there, so I went back into the house. I had to take care of my baby, but I wanted to talk to my mother. I felt a great need to be with her.
Eventually, I made the decision to sit on the steps and watch the people. It was a wet autumn’s eve in the hills of Pennsylvania, on that dark and dreary night. I sat with my son in my arms as I watched the men work around my car. They hung a large white sheet over the rear tire.
At this point the affects of the shock started to disorient me. I became confused. As I sat there I noticed a bright white light piercing out of the darkness from the center of the road. A little further from it was an ambulance parked on the shoulder with its red lights flashing almost vulgarly onto the back drop. Thoughts and questions started running through my mind, I couldn’t control them.
I only have a few hours to go to get to my house. I need to go home. What am I doing here? This isn’t real, it’s only a dream. I’m going to wake up soon. Where is my mommy? I can’t see her. Who are these people? There’s so many of them. Where did they come from? I want someone to take me to my mother.
I started to become frantic. I couldn’t remember that we had been in an accident, and that my mother was dead. I found myself floating down the sidewalk. Out of nowhere a person or persons, took me by the arm, and lead me to an ambulance. They opened the door and helped me in. They had me lie down on a little cot with my son. I felt numb, and I didn’t know why I was in ambulance. I thought to myself, I should be with my mother. I felt someone touch me. It was my baby cuddling up against me. My eyes focused on him and I began to think.
He is so precious; look how he is rubbing my arm to make me feel better. Who says babies can’t love? What is this? But a simple act of love and thoughtfulness. This is not a basic response to a basic need. He knows I’m hurting, and he wants to make me feel better. And I do feel better. I was feeling so lonely. But David loves me in his own sweet way. Oh, David, I love you so much. Thank you caring.
Sometime later I found myself lying in a hospital bed. Two people I had known since I was twelve were standing beside me. I was in such deep shock so in order to keep me conscious they started singing praise songs and encouraged me to sing along. David was sitting on me, he was calm now. After awhile some Police officers came into my room to question me, while they were there I felt someone else enter the room. I looked over to see who it is. It was my pastor from the church in town. I looked at him and I said, “Pastor Bill, I killed my mommy.” He just looked at me and didn’t say a word.
When I look back on that evening, as I am doing now, I cry. I cry for me, for my mother, for my son and for all my brothers and sisters. I know that I only made it through that night and the many nights after, because of the help I received from God. When no one else understood what I was going through God let me feel his love and he comforted me. He still comforts me.
I sometimes feel that the dream has never ended, and that I have yet to wake up. I am confident of this one thing though. One day, when this nightmare finally ends, I will wake up in heaven and my mother will be standing there beside me to welcome in. Then Jesus will wipe my tears away, and I will be filled with a joy like I’ve never known. I look forward to it expectantly.


For the past 2 1/2 weeks my husband and I have been searching feverishly for a brand new car. Because it will be the first time we will have purchased a never used before car, we have exhausted ourselves in an attempt to make sure we get the right car for us. We have driven so many makes and models that we have basically eliminated any chance of actually following through with buying one. We arrogantly perhaps, have test driven cars that were out of our price range. What's the big deal? Well, discontentment. When we realized we were fooling ourselves and our budget, we were forced to come back to reality and only test drive cars that we could actually afford and still have flexibility within our budget. But, it was not so easy going back. Although the cars we began to test drive were more than adequate, we found that our ideal car had modified to such a degree that we have not been able to be happy with anything.

Granted we own two cars presently. The newer one is a sports car. Our initial plan was to keep the old one and trade in the new one. We could, but we aren't going to now. We have discovered that the joy we gain from driving it exceeds our desire to have its loan paid off and have it replaced with a new one. Now, we are considering trading in the older car, using its trade in value along with some additional money to purchase another newer used car.

Through all of this "Autumn Hunt" I have come to see a spiritual principle in the ordeal.

Discovery is a strange little bugger when combined with limitations.

My husband and I ventured into a world that was more than we could handle in our little escapades, we didn't keep our eyes on the real need we were trying to fill. We knew we needed an AWD that would be able to compete in size in the winter months with the other vehicles that were going to be racing along side me on my way to and from Graduate School. But, before we knew it our list grew to include things like: leather, backup camera, navigation, 7- passenger seating, DVD, 1st and 2nd row heated seats, etc.

Spiritual principles: Materialism, greed, discontentment, pride, and the list goes on.

It isn't that these things in general are bad, the issue is that our finances and need do not truly call for such a burden of expense. We lost our focus and it killed our dream of owning a brand new car. It is okay though. I have recovered. And I have realized that to drop back and punt is a good thing. We can put off the immediate gratification of purchasing this grand purchase. By denying ourselves this gift, we will be able to have something to look forward to when the timing is right. Ideally, when I graduate from college. It could be very detrimental to our finances if we just compulsively jumped into granting ourselves the best we could finance. This decision could have the potential of wrecking us, destroy our credit and cause us to lose the new car and prohibit us from purchasing even a newer used car.

The Bible warns us about the lust of the eyes, because we can put wreck our lives. Discontentment or lust can blind side us and cause us to lose the more valuable possessions we have, like people and reputation.

So, the next time you go comparison shopping remember our little shopping trip and lesson. Sometimes, it is better to stay within the boundaries we have consciously set up for a healthier and happier life.